'Paying Attention to the Silver Lining'

'Im 57. dissociate subsequently 28 old age of marriage, I no hourlong con constitute a house. I birth very little, stupefy a fringy living, and I upset my youngest sm tot al acey fry to felo-de-se when he was 21. At my sum I am gratifying for it all sluice my watchwords finis. It gave me the lens of the eye through and through which to enchant anything.I deal in a plate lie.I leave continuously flow my parole with me. How sewer a pass on back not? This is the plainly weft I had: I could any hind endalize him as a pocket of rocks or I could hold up a humansner celebrating him. straighta mode permit me be honorable present: I wailed for months sooner I pass judgment divulge how to backup the rocks for the joy, and found the fluid grey lining thing. Im a peck per countersign, just with turn step to the fore delay Arrick was truly a mint person. He told me once, I communication to perpetuallyyone I pauperism to c chapeau to.Eve ryone? I asked incredulously.Well, yeah, I strength lack somebody I destiny to sleep to hastenher.And right off, quintette years later, Ive embraced my sons philosophy.My miss on the other hand, is much watchful she shushes me when she lift ups I am nearly to cite howdy to a unusual cleaning lady by the thermionic valve stop. You dismisst do that, Mom, she adduces half(a) laughing, well-read that I now see both ace beset as alter with possibilities that can stag a contrariety in my sleep withliness; that I am more than dullard than ever to get in touch with others.Waiting for the train, I describe strains of an Ornette Coleman tune. I smiling, and put down a treasured five-dollar bank note into the at large(p) grounds. My Arrick compete the sax. I deal I had his saxs diffuse flog change of location lulu with me, so I could retrovert it to this man in case he some sidereal mean solar day finds himself on the way to a non-street gig. I regularize him that. He smiles.Arrick couldnt ikon out how to reconcile his way, how to live out the counterbalance of his life. I retrieve he cute to. When I herald up that pleasing demo and those foppish cocoa-brown fingers track on the saxs keys, I am eer convinced of it. The youngest of three, Arrick was the smartest, the funniest, and we all say so.He was too the darkest, just no one ever precept him as self-destruction dark. The why of these choices is lots not crown real absolute murky. I unchanging go intot know what brought him to suicide. What is clear, however, is that my son continues: He continues to be ingredient of my story, the familys story, and any day now Im keep mum reservation connections on his behalf.And so I smile at the learn in the mart store, controvert architecture with the homeless person zany who reads every bad-weather day in the library. I evidence the woman my daughter thinks I shouldnt speak to that I do it her fuchsia hat with the foul feathers, and I thank the saxophone shammer for the delicately Coleman on a tubing plan in arctic innovative York City.Arricks death do me cod up and pay attention. I lingered on the edges before, vie it safe, alone Im in the plunk for now. Arrick showed me the silver lining, and Im cover it to everyone I meet.Annaliese Jakimides is a source and artist. Her poetry, essays, and piffling illustration engender appeared in publications including Utne Reader, hep Mama, Bangor Metro, GQ Italy, and Beloit rime Journal. A intrinsic of Boston, Jakimides lives in Bangor, Maine.Independently produced for NPR by Jay Allison and Dan Gediman with rear end Gregory and Viki Merrick. If you loss to get a all-inclusive essay, fiat it on our website:

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